Eight
Foot
by Dr. Han
They say there are plenty of fish in the sea. That there are - and a whole host of other creatures, which one way or the other, seem to end up on the oriental plate. And as we say, from the oriental plate to the oriental palate. One way or the other. Sure, most of the West has probably shied away from eating tasties like sea cucumbers, sea anemone (are there land anemone?), and jellyfish. Of course, almost everyone seems to eat fish, and the French are about as brave and strong as the Chinese when it comes to eating. How a cuisine that includes pig snout and runny, moldy cheese in it's repertoire is considered a fine art is beyond my understanding.
While the Italians are fond of squid, their calamari, when it comes to brine over brawn, few cultures are as stark raving mad about these marine-ated creatures as are the Orientals, the East Asians. And certainly none have the natural penchant for consuming seafood raw. Granted, oysters are an apparent exception (remember, no eating raw oysters in months without an 'R' in them). And Japan's sushi and sashimi culture has taken the world by storm (not, however, in India. That's not on. Raw is for vegetables and the WWF - and that's not the World Wildlife Foundation).
But few things tickle the imagination (or the stomach, or the throat) like the thought of eating live octopus. Granted, I'll admit the idea doesn't exactly thrill me either - you'll probably understand when you first see a big freshly caught octopus - this free form tentacled beast is amongst the least attractive looking creatures when taken out of water - it's terrifically slimy. It oozes. It's got a clammy gray colour that isn't particularly appetizing.
Which raises a personal issue for me - the colour of my food. I like foods to stick to the basics - browns, some light yellows, some subdued greens. Oranges, pinks, reds, and purples, I'm careful with, except with fruits, in which case bright colours are a bit more acceptable. In general, blue is not a colour to be eaten - blueberries are not aptly named. Black usually indicates that something went wrong. Which brings us to gray. This is a no no. What food is gray? I'm thinking. Fish may be gray on the outside, but not on the inside. And I don't particularly care for fish anyways. Mushrooms tend to be more creamy or light brown colored than gray. So, as far as I'm concerned, gray is a strictly non-food colour.
And so, there it squirms, unhappy and gray, in the nice Korean dish. Now, I imagine if there were some race of creatures that, say, ate humans, I'd be pretty cross about being put in a dish. But then again, being considerably more mobile on land than an octopus, I get the feeling humans would probably end up being cooked first, roasted, or maybe fried. I'm not sure really. How did the cannibals do it? I find it difficult to accept that deep in the jungle depths, these people eaters had human-sized cast iron cauldrons (does Williams & Sonoma deliver to Papua New Guinea?) in which to make people stew. Which misbegotten madman started that legend? I'm thinking that a pit style rotisserie is much more likely.
Anyways, back to the octopus, slithering away. Now's my chance, the octopus' poorly developed nervous system signals. They are busy singing karaoke. I can make it! And so, slyly, and tentacle by suckered tentacle, the eight-foot sneaks over the side of the dish... only to find itself swept up, trapped between two shimmering shafts of cold steel, plunged into the murky pool of soy mixed with wasabe. Well, there's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip, and the octo fights, tentacles flying, suckers sticking to anything... teeth, lips, gums... but to no avail... gnash, gnash, gnash... and down the hatch.
Terrifying, isn't it? Not your idea of a good meal? The eight-foot isn't enough for you? How about squid then? Two extra feet for your chewing pleasure. In fact, squid are even more popular than octopus in Korea. Squid - ten foot - is not served live or raw. They say "it doesn't taste so good." You were expecting it to taste like chocolate perhaps?
So anyways, you walk down some of your smaller Korean streets at night, and you see these trucks with giant aquariums in the back. They either have live crabs or live squid. The crabs they will boil for you on the spot, so you can walk happily down the street with your hot and probably was very cross to be boiled crab. And then there is the squid. I'm still not sure how exactly they give that to you from the truck. I'm assuming they clean it somehow. Is squid ink safe to consume? Of course, a reasonable person should ask why would I want to consume squid ink? Look, you've been eating live octopi, sea cucumbers, which are really just overgrown slugs (a few feet lower on the podiatric food chain?), and who knows what else, and now you are bristling over a little ink?
When you are ready to eat your squid, they throw it directly onto some
blindingly hot stones, where it shrivels and curls up, emitting the exceedingly
pleasant aroma of burning hair. Yum. Koreans also seem to be rather keen
on drying squid out like clothes on a wash line. It ends up like jerky.
And they eat this with mayonnaise. I strongly suggest carrying breath mints,
a tooth brush, fluoride, and other dental implements when you are in the
mood for dried squid, known as ojingo.
I should note that my theory on the Korean name for squid was recently
and resoundingly refuted. You see, when I learned the "Konglish" for octopus
was eight-foot, I started to wonder about our friend, the squid.
The squid, as logic might dictate, would be a ten-foot, having ten-tacles - 5 pairs of them
(decapus? pentapairapus? You must be squidding.). The Korean word for squid
being ojingo, and the word for five being oh, I thought,
OK, that makes sense. 5 jingos. Squid. Well, apparently, that is
not the case.
Its a wild world out there folks. Watch what you eat, because it might still be watching you... which reminds of these little fish things someone handed to me in Kyoto - I thought they were dried mung beans... and then I noticed the beady little eyes... mung beans indeed.
Dr. Han is reputed to be the leader of an intelligence
operation, but we don't know anything about it